Have you ever wondered why dating/relationships are not working today? Now, I’m not saying I know exactly why, but giving my experiences and those close to me I have an idea of whats going on.
For starters the word dating is completely misunderstood by women and men both. For those who are confused on what dating is; Dating is casual, engaging in dates, getting to know one another. This isn’t labeling you as a couple or relationship but giving the situation potential. So when you hear “I’m just dating” know that isn’t limited to just one individual (not intimately involved).
New age dating is affecting all generations. Dating isn’t working for a number of reasons. People don’t understand the concept of dating as mention before. The dating stage has been labeled as “talking” making it easy for no one to pursue any level of commitment. Whether that is committing to a simple face to face date (THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE NETFLIX AND CHILL). Whether it’s committing to engaging in a mutual conversation. Or whether it’s committing to getting to know one another. I understand the word commitment may sound scary, however commitment is simple it a measurement of your moralistic code. If you can’t be committed too the small things of dating then this isn’t your avenue.
This day and age we lack honesty. How honest you are during the dating stage says a lot about you not only as a partner but also as a person in general. Honesty in dating is easy, just do it in a respectable way (remember to treat people how you’d treat yourself…). Now understand with honesty I’m not saying to just be blatant about everything. This is rule of law when dating, you see honesty will get you a long ways in this game. Lets start by honestly stating your intentions with a person, it’s rather simple either your intentions reciprocated or not; either way from the get you were clear and there is no harm done in this situation (maybe some hurt feelings lol but that’ll pass). Most importantly be honest with yourself, before you entertain the idea of dating don’t go in with the idea that it’s going to be the same as before or it’ll play out how you worked it out in your head. Being honest with yourself also entails living as yourself, not compromising who you are to fit the standards of someone you’re interested in dating. Accept that if they like you it will be for you or if they don’t, well their loss.
Another reason we see dating not leading to relationships is because we are all scared to be vulnerable. You’re probably assuming vulnerability makes you weak or wide open. But being vulnerable with the right person isn’t a sign of weakness but more of a sign of compassion to them. Vulnerability connects with honesty, it’s the manner in which one is allowing their partner to know them fully; your thoughts, feelings and weaknesses. It’s okay to show vulnerability when you know that the person you’re pursuing is mutually involved with you. If you allowed yourself to be transparent it gives others a chance to know you on a different level. It’s best to stay true when you’re in any situation, which equates to vulnerability.
There’s way too many stages in dating that society has implemented upon us which makes it hard to actually do it in a meaningful way for instance, if we cut out the “talking” stage we’d get a lot further when trying to date. Also if we were able to keep it real with each other and accept the reality of the truth, it wouldn’t lead to misconceptions. What I’m saying is once you know that person doesn't have the necessary potential, don’t pursue them further than you actually want it to go. If your intentions is to have a “friend’ you can chill with, strictly platonic say that. But leading one on to thinking its anything more than platonic for self benefit is a horrible way to date. Like the saying “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”, well its true; if one person isn’t the ‘fish’ for you, release it back int the water and try again. We have a tendency to waste each others time, because we are all either afraid of rejection or too empathetic to tell someone you're just no that into them. Time wasted is time loss. No one enjoys getting their time wasted, I’m pretty sure we all believe our time is valuable, so spend it doing something that actually adds substance to your life.
I’ve noticed recently that our society has been glorifying this “toxic’ trend. Understand that the word toxic means poisonous, something that is very harmful. So entertaining that mindset will eventually taint your energy. When dating one of the main focuses should be preserving your energy, making sure you're keeping like-minded people around you, those who don’t bring a dark cloud over you. Toxic is one game you should’t play while trying to date, it’s a very sticky situation to get out of. If you are ok with being toxic dating should be the last of your worries. Once we stop exemplifying this trait as normal dating will be on the verge to healthy dating.
One of the biggest issues with dating would be the category of assumption. Everyone assumes that there’s an underlying game to ones genuineness. It’s like the whole world has trust issues, which is extreme. Look at it like this; you trust your doctor to give you an accurate health report? or you trust the bank to keep your money secure? or even you trust your job to pay you correctly on time? My point is you trust all of these entities that are beneficial to you until they give you a reason not to, right (I know y’all are thinking, dang she has a point, but don't ponder on it for too long)? It’s literally the same concept in dating, you can’t rule out the trustworthiness of a person based on some past situation thats not connected to this new person. You must give everyone their fair shot, until they truly give you a reason not to. Now sometimes this isn’t easy because you can’t always know the true intentions of someone (remember the wolf in sheeps clothing analogy). In this case the best way to stay true to yourself is to always trust your intuition. Now also, stop assuming someone is entertaining the next persons just because they aren’t as prompt as you are to texting back (mainly a message for the ladies), engaging or responding in any manner for that fact. I’m not saying that they are not entertaining someone else, I’m just saying some people actually do be busy, or prefer to talk rather text (which causes a major misunderstanding). Try to start believing in giving people the benefit of the doubt, that ties in with treating people how you’d treat yourself. It’s no fun having someone coming down on you about minimal things because eventually these things will lead to destruction while dating if pondered on for too long.
It’s so much easier to think someone is doing wrong by you rather than right, if that’s all you’ve experienced. In this case you should start reevaluating the company you keep or yourself. 9 time out of 10 its you that needs to be reevaluated. The moment we can live in our truth of the type of person we are the easier dating is. We have to start acknowledging our own faults and be willing to work on that. The attitude of “this is just who I am” is a poor attitude, if that’s you I can almost bet you aren’t doing so well in the dating scene. If “thats just you,” you should consider getting to the root of why you are like however and work on that. You’re not untouchable or unreachable just because you put on this hard front like your way is the right and only way. Not ever do we want to admit that we are the problem, when in reality we are (yes you, you are the problem!). You may be toxic and thats why you tend to attract toxicity, not because that’s what you like. When we all can look in the mirror and say aloud “this is where I fall short, but this is what I’m going to do too change” we move better, lighter even. A clear conscious creates a healthy relationship.
Dating should’t be used as a anchor to move on from previous traumas. Using someone to fill a temporary void is a known dating nuisance. This turns people into the ones we just talked about. This can happen unconsciously, during a traumatic time we can black out mentally and the only thing that keeps us going can be a number of things, but one is pouring unintended interest int someone (leading them on). They key word is USING, yes you are using them as a distraction, and some of us are those being used. I guess the political term is “rebound”, which shouldn't be a thing if its not mutual. You don’t have to go into details, but at least say that this is only for one night or just for sex (you’d be surprise how many people are welcoming to a honest fling). This is why it’s so important to take breaks after dating someone, and these aren’t 2-3 month breaks I’m referring to; breaks long enough to regroup your thoughts, see that other person and walk in confidence that the right decision was made with absolutely no regrets. Mental breaks from all things dating is healthy, it gives your brain time to understand and deal with whatever just happened. This is a vulnerable time that you don’t want while dating, this type of vulnerability leads to misunderstandings and unfortunate hurts which damages people.
Stray away from always needing or wanting to be with someone, sometimes you are the person you need to be with. Granted we all battle different wars, but self-care and self awareness is very important when it comes to dating. If you aren’t aware of your lowest moments or even highest ones how can you be beneficial to someone you're dating? If you can’t properly care for yourself on an emotional/mental level how can you do that for someone else? Dating will always be around, but how long do you have to get right within yourself, that you don’t know. The feeling of needing to need someone is a hard one to break depending on where it stems from, but other coping mechanism can help rather than jumping in the next persons arms. And don’t say “that’s how some people cope”, it’s not healthy, bad habits are hard to break, but for your sanity this one should be broken soon. The moment you’re true and happy within yourself by yourself, you can successfully date.
Leave the bitterness behind! If it didn’t happen for you, but did for someone else let it go. Everyone’s timing is different, the universe doesn't move the same for all of us. Sometimes when you’re inner alignment is off, you’re universal alignment follows. Don’t blame anyone, just embrace those around you genuinely and wait. Patience is virtue! To carry a bitter spirit on with you through every encounter won’t land you the circumstance you’re pushing for. Bitterness can be sensed, just like it’s tasted. It’s one of those heavy spirits that almost anyone can spot. Stop thinking “it should've been me,” if it was supposed to be the universe would have aligned it that way. It won’t ever be you with that attitude, change your perception of the results and the outcome will be different next time for you.
Dating is definitely like gambling, you don’t know for sure what you’re getting until your hand has ben dealt and you just have to be charismatic and take your chances with an open mind and clear conscious. But if you manifest a good outcome and keep positive thoughts throughout the journey surely it’ll work in your favor. What you put out is what the universe gives you back in return (the law of attraction). Not too many people practice this concept and that’s why you’re lacking in those areas you think you should be winning in. It’s simple, you think only the good about what you want; don’t engage in any form of negativity. — lets start with something simple, like you don’t want to be late; don’t think about being not being late (the negative is late), but think like “I have to be on time. I will be on time” (the positive is being on time). — use this module when dating (or anything for that matter), focus strictly on the positive it’ll work in your favor.
Try to keep everyone out your ear while dating. It can be hard putting off the expectations of those close to you, but only you can chase your happiness. You have to live for you and what brings you joy. Your friends will have their own relationships that’ll go someway and not want you to be too involved, so keep them at arms reach. Not to be secretive, but more so private or low key. You’ll notice that your relationship has less chances to be tainted or exploited if you keep it just between the two that’s directly involved. Its ok to seek advice, but try to do is from a non bias party. Allowing someone else to cast judgement on your relationship is the quickest way to cause a shift in it, because now you have their judgement in the back if your head. The only judgement that should matter is yours (as long as this person is treating you respectfully).
The moment we can learn to be true to ourselves this process wouldn't even feel like a process, it’ll be more of a journey a pleasant one. At sone point we have to be willing to drop old ways and habits to gain something more. Stop putting off dating correctly because you don’t think you’re worthy of someones genuine time. Time will stand still for none, it gets old running game and losing at the same time. Remember everyone isn’t you and will not do everything the way you do or think it should be done. Cut them some slack, while still standing strong on who you are as a person. Do what you feel is best for you, your friends and family should never determine your fate of true happiness. Dating isn’t a social media game of “goals,” or cutest couple pictures; it should be authentic and real. If you’re not ready, don’t do it. Save yourself the energy to solely focus on yourself.
Love yourself 100%, then love others, and remember dating should ultimately be leading to a mutually committed HEALTHY relationship.
